by Debra | Apr 4, 2016
Is it possible to be honest with others if you aren’t being honest with yourself? The answer is no!
If you do not understand and know yourself, how can you bring a person of honesty to the table? There are a few ways in which we lie to ourselves and others. The first is when we know we are lying and we decide it’s okay. We either don’t care about our word or we don’t think about it enough. Not caring is deceptive and not thinking shows a lack of awareness.
The second way we lie to ourselves is when we have a blind spot and truly don’t know we are lying. Therefore, we have no clue that we are lying to others. I know that this one is a tough one to believe, but trust me, we all do it. Unless we have a teacher or a really good friend that busts us, we may never know the darkness we don’t see. I have both a teacher and a good friend that keeps me on my toes looking in the mirror all the time. It isn’t that fun to get busted and if I wasn’t doing my work around myself, I would get defensive and probably lose a friend and leave my teacher.
Our Shadows hold the essence of who we are. They hold our most treasured gifts. By facing these aspects of ourselves, we become free to experience our glorious totality: the good and the bad, the dark and light.
-Debbie Ford
It isn’t easy looking at our shadow side, looking into those parts of ourselves that we either dislike or simply don’t know about. But like Debbie says, if we are willing to look at both sides, we are free to experience ourselves in total. Living life without being with the shadow side of who we are will prevent us from living in our most joyous self.
I know why I am on this planet, to evolve and be in service. Now, that doesn’t mean that I can’t thoroughly enjoy myself in the process. When we learn to be with the dark side of who we are, we can then move through the suffering and live in the precious light of life with our entire being.To be honest with ourselves, we have to look at all aspects of who we are, not only the good in us. Are you willing to uncover the dark side of yourself in a personal retreat to begin to live a more authentic life?
by Debra | Mar 28, 2016
Stepping outside of your ego mind in a retreat is a beautiful gift you can give to yourself.
As we start to grow up, our triggers will start to exacerbate. And then, after intentionally working through them, they will quiet down.
Our deep core wounding is hard to clear, and I find that the universe sends us teachers and situations that help us heal them. When I talk about teachers in this way, what I am referring to is people who trigger us so we can heal. We have to be conscious at all times of how our ego is at work.
One of the first behaviors we experience when our ego is in control is blaming others.
Blaming is feeling like:
- He did that to me.
- She is a bully.
- I don’t like her.
- She makes me feel bad about myself.
First of all, no one can make you feel anyway you don’t already feel. If it seems that someone makes you feel like you are not good enough, it’s because that is your wound. If you think someone is a bully, it’s because you have the same behavior inside of you.
To heal, we have to be conscious of our ego minds and to understand and know when our ego is operating. Getting to know who you are through a women’s retreat will set you free of your ego mind and suffering.
“Nobody can say anything about you. Whatsoever people say is about themselves. But you become very shaky, because you are still clinging to a false center. That false center depends on others, so you are always looking to what people are saying about you. And you are always following other people, you are always trying to satisfy them. You are always trying to be respectable, you are always trying to decorate your ego. This is suicidal. Rather than being disturbed by what others say, you should start looking inside yourself…
Whenever you are self-conscious you are simply showing that you are not conscious of the self at all. You don’t know who you are. If you had known, then there would have been no problem— then you are not seeking opinions. Then you are not worried what others say about you— it is irrelevant!
When you are self-conscious you are in trouble. When you are self-conscious you are really showing symptoms that you don’t know who you are. Your very self-consciousness indicates that you have not come home yet.”
― Osho
by Debra | Mar 21, 2016
How would you like to learn the importance of forgiveness through the Sedona Soul Retrieval Method.
How important is it to forgive someone who has done something that hurts us?
Holding on to anger is toxic to our system. It requires a great amount of energy to repress feelings, and repressing them only keeps them inside of us where they lay dormant. Eventually, something triggers them and we explode with uncontrollable anger, often causing unintentional and irreversible damage towards an innocent bystander.
If you repress any emotion, you are repressing all the emotions, including love. It’s important to allow emotions to come to the surface, clear them, and move back into a neutral state.
And how do we do this? It’s through forgiveness that we move through and clear anger and resentment, but it’s easier said than done.
Here are a few ideas on how to forgive others:
- First realize they are human and, just like you, they make mistakes too.
- Realize that what they did is the same kind of thing that you may also sometimes do. It’s a reflection.
- Understand that the feelings you are feeling around the situation are emotions that you have from your old wounding from your past. It’s not about them.
- Write a letter to them expressing your feelings and be sure to own your part in it.
- Then write a letter to yourself from their higher conscious self, apologizing.
- Meditate on forgiving them and yourself.
These are just a few things you can do to release the negative emotions from your body and mind. All emotions are energies. Unconscious negative energy can be transformed by awareness that you too do some form of the same behaviors either to others or to yourself. In a personal retreat, you will learn exactly how you behave and how you hold on to negative emotions that stop you from being in a loving place.
by Debra | Mar 14, 2016
How can we grow from our experiences from the outside world?
When life experiences happen, our first tendency is to look at what is happening from outside of us. If something happens that we are uncomfortable with, we look at the person or the situation and think that if that person or situation could change, we would feel better. That is going outside of yourself for how you feel. If we look for change on the outside to make us feel better, we will be sorely disappointed most of the time.
For example, if you have a person in your life that you consider a good friend and she commits to meeting you at an event. The event comes and goes and your friend is nowhere to be found. You get very triggered. If you take that experience outside of yourself, you will project your feelings of anger, anxiety, or fear and go to her to get her to show up differently for you. You may call her and say, “I can’t believe you just no-showed me. You clearly don’t care about our friendship.” And then your future action might be to not be her friend anymore. You are taking this event totally personally.
If you bring the situation inside of yourself, you would look at why you got triggered. Maybe you feel disregarded, not important, or betrayed. If this is the case, then maybe you have an old belief that says, “I’m not important; I can’t trust people; or, I’m not safe in the world.”
Your friend’s actions have nothing to do with you, your importance, or your safety.
If we take the first action and go outside of ourselves to change the other person’s behavior, we are buying into those old beliefs. Instead, we need to go inside and realize that we are important and we are safe in the world, and that just because someone acted poorly doesn’t mean it is about us. Maybe your girlfriend was having a bad day or maybe she is just unconscious. Either way, it’s not about you! This doesn’t excuse their behavior. You may decide that this isn’t a person you want to be in relationship with, but you won’t decide through your upset and trigger. After you look at what’s going on within yourself, then you can make a decision that is good for you.
by Debra | Mar 7, 2016
Have you ever been around someone who is constantly complaining about something? What about people who spread negative gossip, act mean or display hypocritical behavior?
Most people aren’t very tolerant of negative behavior in others. Why should they be? Being around a negative person will make you feel drained and upset. However, a lot of people are willing to tolerate their own negative mind chatter. In some cases, they don’t even realize it’s happening.
Negative Mental Chatter: Are Your Thoughts a Downer?
If you’ve never stopped to listen to your thoughts, you’re likely pretty detached from what’s going on in your inner world. You might be surprised at how negative a lot of your thought patterns are. It’s natural to experience negative thoughts when you’re dealing with a troubling problem, but subconscious negativity that goes on day in and day out can have an unpleasant effect on your health, both mental and physical.
Changing Negative Thoughts: How Can You Initiate Inner Positivity?
A lot can be gained by simply paying attention to your thoughts as you go throughout your day. What are you thinking about right now? What do you think about as you head to work? If you groan when the alarm goes off in the morning and brace yourself for another rough day, you’re setting yourself up for defeat. Most people think of this reaction as normal, and that’s part of the problem! Negative thinking is an epidemic, especially in America.
The good news is that once you realize what you’re thinking about, it’s fairly easy to change the script. Practices like meditation and journaling can help you connect to the things you think and worry about on a daily basis. Also try “listening” to your thoughts for an entire day and seeing what you notice. When you experience a negative thought, try immediately countering it with a positive one. For example:
- “I hate my job” can become “I’m so blessed to have a source of income.”
- “My health problems are so difficult” turns into “I’m glad I still have potential to heal.”
- “My partner frustrates me” morphs into “I’m glad my partner and I always survive our fights.”
As you practice this, it will gradually become more automatic. You’ll not only learn to control your thoughts, but you’ll also be able to turn around a bad mood. This will help you remain focused and avoid getting caught up in negativity when handling problems.
by Debra | Feb 29, 2016
Do you have guilt when you take time for yourself?
What does it look like to take care of yourself first, then attend to others? Most women think putting yourself first is selfish. They might even be called selfish, self absorbed, or narcissistic. Many men can go to work, go to the gym afterwards, come home and relax and it’s perfectly normal, encouraged even. I hear my women clients say, “He deserves to relax”, while they are running themselves ragged. Stay at home moms especially feel that they have to do everything. They have to take care of the entire household, the kids with chores, homework, discipline, any family emergency and still find time to take a shower.
When I am mentoring women, one of the biggest things we work on is being okay with putting your needs before others. It is important to take care of yourself in order to show up for others without resentment.
What does taking care of yourself actually look like?
- Realizing your needs are as important as others
- Processing through the guilt of taking care of yourself
- Doing things that you are passionate about
- Taking the time to eat right, exercise and get proper amounts of sleep
- Asking for help when you need it
- Setting good boundaries
- Doing things to pamper yourself like massages, pedicures, etc.
- Spending time with people outside your family
- Going to lunch with friends regularly
These are a few of the things you can do to take care of yourself. But the biggest and most important lesson to learn is that it is healthy for you to have a life filled with the things you want as much as anyone else. And it is important to understand that you are the only one who can make that happen. Learn how to meet your needs first in a women’s retreat. If you are ready to start loving yourself, call now to set up a consult.
by Debra | Feb 22, 2016
Do all the events in our life have a purpose for our higher learning?
I was just talking to a client this morning and she was thinking about getting a job. She is a mother of four and her husband works full time. She wanted a job to bring in some extra money while she completes courses to become a coach. She has a lot on her plate with the kids and keeping up with the house and family. She put in an application at a few places and even went in to talk to them, but they don’t seem interested.
Now, there are a couple of ways she could think about this situation. She could decide that she has no worth and that something is wrong with her, or she could realize she is co-creating with the universe and this job isn’t for her higher good at this moment. The first way of thinking is disempowering, while the second is very empowering.
We have the choice everyday to live through our wounded lower self or to live through our higher self knowing that everything is meant to be. It’s important to slow down, pay attention and see which part of our self is in operation, especially if we are triggered. When we do this, we can make a choice to take the right action. This is a part of being present to our life, to be the observer and then to move forward with consciousness.
This is our choice and our choice alone.
If we look at every situation as a learning experience, we are on the right path. If we are angry, frustrated and complaining about things that trigger us, we are expanding our lower self and not shifting our beliefs. The personal retreats I teach are spiritual journeys where I show that there is a purpose to this life we are living and how to start living it with more awareness. If we keep expanding our old beliefs, they keep coming back to us in order to teach us. As we diminish our Ego, old beliefs, life starts showing up differently. The heat actually starts to dwindle out of our triggers and can completely dissolve.
We all want to live in our higher self and suffer less from situations that trigger us. The only way to do this is to learn from our experiences and make a conscious choice to take the action that grows this part of us.
by Debra | Feb 15, 2016
What does it look like to co-create with the Universe by surrendering to spiritual guidance?
Surrendering to the natural process of co-creating with the universe is easier said than done. This surrendering thing puts us control freaks on edge, right? Who are we surrendering to? It seems, at times, that it is easier to give it up to a real person and hope for the best.
It is helpful for me to remember that I am a spiritual being having a human experience in a physical body, rather than a physical being having a spiritual experience. If I am a physical being, I will look in the physical world around me to create my life. But if I realize I am first a spiritual being, I will go inside and connect to my higher self for my answers.
Many of us have been taught from a very young age that our safety lies in a physical being, such as our parents. If we have been raised with any type of religion, we may have learned to have faith in God or another spiritual being, I, personally, was not raised with any religion or spirituality, and therefore, connecting to a source greater than myself or others has been difficult for me.
In my daily practice, I connect to the universe, my spirit guides, and my higher self to bond with my knowing. The process that I use and teach brings everything back into myself and my higher knowing, away from the physical outside world. I practice working on not projecting my feelings and emotions onto others, and knowing that all experiences help my higher learning evolve.
It takes a great deal of surrendering to either the universe or my higher knowing to stop trying to control things and people to get the outcome that I believe is the best one for myself. When I surrender to something greater than my physical self and allow things to unfold with grace, it’s always for my higher learning.
Although things might not always work out the way I think they should, it’s in my best interest to be in the flow instead of constantly pushing up against life with resistance. My inner child doesn’t like this way of being at all. She actually believes she has total control over everyone and everything. When I say this out loud, I hear a little chuckle from my higher self.
It’s our job to make sure that our spiritual guidance is coming from our higher self and not from our wounded little child. If you haven’t had training in this area, this could be pretty tough. We all need mentors to see our blind spots.
If you want to live in your higher self and have your spiritual guidance come from a greater place of surrender, it may take the help of a spiritual mentor.
by Debra | Feb 8, 2016
How do we learn how to surrender to our life, just as it is?
Here I am in 2016 looking at what I would like to create for myself this year. I have done a few vision boards in the attempt to explore what I want in my life, while trying to surrender to what it is. This hasn’t been a particularly easy exercise for me, asking the universe for what I want, while being really content with what IS.
I think that most of our suffering comes from wanting things in our life that we don’t have or wanting the people in our lives to show up differently than they are. Let’s first look at people showing up in ways that we don’t like and want to change.
How can we surrender to people being exactly the way they are, keeping an open heart to them, while still setting boundaries?
An example of this might be having a friend that is consistently late. One way to deal with this is to surrender to the fact that this is her behavior and she can choose to work on it or not, rather than attempting to make her change, and at the same time, effectively creating a boundary around it. A good boundary might look like letting her know that being late triggers you and explain to her why that is. Then let her know that you will do one of two things regarding the situation. Either she must be on time or you will stop going out with her. Or, you can accept her lateness so long as you do not become resentful. That’s pretty tough!
The part of us that is looking at surrendering to people’s behavior doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us. It means we don’t take it personally or we set a boundary. How about wanting things in our life that we don’t have, such as more money, a relationship or a closer relationship, a new car, or perhaps a different job? How do we let the universe know that these are things we would like in our life and still surrender to our life just as it is?
The suffering comes when we want something so badly that, without it, we are miserable. However, we can be open to creating the things we want in our lives while still being totally content with the life we have created up until this point.
This is the key, opening up to co-create with the universe and loving life as it is!
A good morning practice might be:
“I surrender to everything in my life being exactly the way it is.
I am grateful for everything in my life”
At night, check in with yourself to see if you were suffering about something you didn’t have or wanting someone to be some way they weren’t. Life is about acceptance of what is, while still co-creating with the universe.
by Debra | Feb 1, 2016
I think it’s humorous when people find out I’m single and act as though it’s a bad thing. They say things like, “Oh, you’ll find that special person some day!”
Being single and being in a relationship each have their own ups and downs.
Life is about being with the highs and the lows, whether you are in a primary relationship or not. We learn while being alone as much as when we are in partnership. Our personal growth is what it’s all about.
Here are various ways we can view our situation:
- I love sleeping alone. I also love sleeping with a partner, as long as our energy is authentic.
- While single, I can do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it. Oh, yeah, I can do that in a relationship as well.
- When I’m single, I don’t have the security of knowing I have someone to be with on the weekends. But I stretch myself to meet new and interesting people.
- As a single person, I am on my own financially. I also get to develop the part of me that thinks my safety is in money or a partner.
- Without a stable partnership, I have no consistent sexual relations. However, I can learn that my life is about more than my desires.
I think it’s wonderful to be in relationship as long as we are both doing our own work and able to grow through our partnership. Most of the couples I have seen are together because they don’t want to be single. They are afraid of being alone, not having enough money or maybe how the kids will be affected.
Personally, these are not good enough reasons for me to be in partnership!
I am learning about the freedom that comes with being single, the freedom from my lower self/inner child fears. I do not want to be in a relationship because I am afraid.
I think walking away from a relationship is one of the hardest things a person can do. But I also think that being in a relationship that isn’t right for you is one of the most painful experiences as well.
Life in general is about being with the highs and lows, whether you are with someone or not. Some of the women I mentor believe that if they could just be in a relationship, their suffering would end. Our suffering is in our minds and life is about dealing with the good things that happen as well as the not-so-good things.
If you would like to learn either how to be single or in a partnership with grace, let’s connect.
by Debra | Jan 25, 2016
There are many myths concerning relationships. Being in partnership isn’t easy and most of us would benefit from some added help in this area.
Myth #1. Never go to bed angry.
Personally, I think this is based on fear. If we go to bed in a fight, what if one of us dies? A better solution might be to postpone the argument until the next day, kiss, say I love you and go to sleep. When you are in a better place to process together, continue your discussion.
Myth #2. Your partner must be your soul mate.
What if you can have several soul mates in your life? Is there just one? I think women in our society have been trained to believe that we are princesses and our knight in shining armor will come and we will live happily ever after. However, this is not necessarily the case. My best girlfriend feels like a soul mate to me. She knows me, she gets me, she busts me when I’m not being authentic, and we process together. Does that mean that no one else can be a soul mate for me? I found this definition of soul mate that I really like. A soul mate is:
“Someone who is aligned with your soul and is sent to challenge, awaken and stir different parts of you in order for your soul to transcend to a higher level of consciousness and awareness. Once the lesson has been learned, physical separation usually occurs.”
Interesting! I have always believed that there are some people that come into your life for your learning and that they may only be there for a while.
Myth #3. If you get married, you must stay married until death do you part.
Wow, that’s heavy. What if your partner is abusive? What if he/she is simply not doing his/her own work and projecting onto you with punishing and snappy behaviors and won’t admit it? There are a few reasons I wouldn’t stay in a relationship, that being one. Most of the people I know in relationships are staying together out of fear, not love.
Myth #4. A good relationship is easy.
I believe that when any two people come together, their woundedness is going to surface at some point. This presents an opportunity for healing. When we are triggered, there is nothing that screams easy about it. It’s challenging to process your triggers and then be vulnerable with your partner. This is where a couple’s retreat is helpful.
Myth #5. Your partner should know what you need and what you are feeling.
I don’t even know what I need or what I’m feeling sometimes. How is my partner going to know? Is he/she psychic? This is such a trap that partners place on each other. It’s your responsibility to tell people what you need and to express your feelings with them. This is what adults should do.
Myth #6. You should be able to stay in the romance phase forever.
This would be exhausting. First of all, I don’t think it’s possible for the dopamine to sustain itself that long. And if it did, it could do damage to your body. Secondly, a healthy relationship goes through three stages. The first is romance, the second is conflict, and the third, after successfully processing the conflict, is resolution.
Myth #7. Relationships between opposites are more successful.
Initially, you might get a charge out of someone being really different from you, but having things in common and having similar beliefs and outlooks on life generally makes a better relationship. If you are too different, you may start doing things apart. This could do more damage than good.
Myth #8. Sex dwindles after you get married.
In a connected relationship, your intimacy grows and so does your sexual desire for each other. If sex fades, it is usually because a couple is not resolving issues and resentment sets in.
These are just a few of the myths regarding relationships that I found interesting. I am a total believer that if both partners are successful in their personal growth, their relationship with each other will also continue to grow .
by Debra | Jan 18, 2016
How Does Being Alone Feel to You?
I am talking again about being alone because as the holidays were upon us, many of my clients expressed deep feelings of sadness around
not having family or friends and how they were feeling utterly alone.
This “alone” thing seems to be a big one for many.
Being alone isn’t difficult for everyone. In fact, for some, it’s actually enjoyable. For others, being alone feels horrible. It can be empty, scary, dark and disconnected. When my teacher asked me what “Alone” was saying to me, I said those exact words: empty, scary, dark and disconnected. But, when I sat in Alone’s seat and asked Alone what it was, it said it was peaceful, calm, connected and independent.
So, it was interesting how I saw being alone. We all have a skewed view of some things. My view of being alone, among other skewed views I have, came from my childhood experiences. If an experience we’ve had as a child isn’t positive, we will see things through that negative lens.
It’s so important to really look at our feelings and explore why we have them and what lens we are seeing these feelings through. Is it the lens of a scared little girl or the lens of our trusting higher self? If we will sit and reflect, we will see who we are seeing things through. Most of us don’t take the time or energy to be with our feelings long enough to go deeper into the actual sensations of anything to get clarity on
it.
I am encouraging you to go into how you feel, and check out who is feeling the darkness, emptiness, etc. and see if it’s skewed because of something that happened a long time ago that isn’t really the truth in the present moment as an adult. With the spiritual guidance in a personal retreat, you will learn about your skewed beliefs and how to shift them. We will uncover the blind spots that keep you stuck in a life that isn’t working for you.
If you are feeling alone or have other debilitating feelings, a personal retreat may help you see yourself more clearly and give you the spiritual guidance you need.
