by Debra | Oct 3, 2016
Do you sometimes feel like a hamster on a wheel when it comes to communicating with your Partner? Coming to a couples retreat in Sedona might be right for you!
How do you create intimacy in a relationship where two people are very different in their approach to communication? Men and women naturally tend to relate differently. Women are more emotionally biased while men are more practical and apt to be a problem fixer. When issues arise in a relationship, a women’s emotions might be in play more. Talking about her feelings will generally help her feel better. Men lean towards finding a solution and solving the problem.
If both parties can move towards the middle with the intention of trying to understand how the other person is viewing the situation, an equally acceptable resolution could be much more likely. Although talking about problems may make many women feel better, this places the responsibility of her feelings on her partner. Sometimes this can take hours and maybe days! It’s not your partners job to make you feel better. It’s your job to listen to your Ego and discover the source of your suffering. Understanding that the answer lies within you and not your partner could help free you from many long and unproductive discussions.
Men’s desire to handle the problem in a practical, problem solving, non-emotional manner may leave the woman feeling unheard or misunderstood. You can see where the issues are with these totally different ways of communicating.
We should first do our own work to understand what triggers us, what our Ego says about it, and how we aren’t going to buy into what our Ego views as truth. Then go to your partner with a better understanding of yourself and the part your Ego plays in your triggers. Your partner will be more likely to listen, more able to see his part and maybe more willing to do work around that.
If you put the issue on him, he may think he did something wrong and go into fix-it mode or he may simply deny his part. Just own your part, do your work around it and then go to your partner with your process. Don’t go to your partner thinking they will make you feel better. This is a trap for you and a trap for him. If you are truly doing your work here and you really want to become self actualized, you have to stop projecting and start owning. Then and only then will you and your partner be able to come together and grow.
by Debra | Sep 26, 2016
A great place to tackle your Ego mind is in a Sedona Soul Retrieval Retreat!
Do we have control over our Ego mind? It’s always so bazaar to me that I have something inside of me, my mind, that I don’t seem readily able to control. When insecurities come up that trigger us, we start acting out of this unconscious part of our self. Then, when we start recognizing that we are acting out, we may feel shame and beat our self up. If we remain in our Ego state, we will repeat the actions over and over.
What a vicious cycle we are in if we can’t stop acting out of the Ego mind. The process begins with being triggered and unconsciously acting out of the lower self. We do not even realize that we are triggered. Once we recognize this, we may still be unable to prevent the acting out of the lower self. However, as we continue to recognize the Ego in action, we have the ability to catch it and stop its progression. The more we slow down our minds and actions, the better chance we have of catching the sneaky Ego and not taking the actions it wants us to take.
The more we ask for help in this area, the more triggers will come because the universe wants to give you all the practice you need to heal that wounded place and stop acting out of that wounded space. Without the practice in a concentrated time, we wouldn’t learn. If our triggers only come every so often we are less apt to get the learning. So even though it’s not that much fun to be in a triggered state for an extended period of time, it forces us to pay attention which is a necessity to learn and move on.
As much as I do this work for others, I am always humbled when I am reminded that I am also on this path of self-actualization just like you. When I get hit hard with it, I really have to be careful not to go into shame and beat myself up. I then have to practice compassion and love for this wounded part in me. If we don’t stay awake, a lot of this can slip right by us and the lessons go unlearned and missed. But not for long, because they always come back around and maybe the next time with more fury!
by Debra | Sep 19, 2016
How does your relationships play a part in choosing love over fear?
If you’re brave enough, you will tackle your Ego mind through your current primary relationship. I use the word bravery because you have to be willing to look at all that dark stuff we don’t like to admit is in us.
I’m always excited at what a relationship teaches me about myself. It shows me where my limits are, where I am holding back love because of fear. In a relationship, we get to explore our woundedness, and it’s not always pretty! But when we shine light on the darkness, we can shift it. If we pretend it isn’t there, we can’t see it, and therefore, we can’t change it. Ignoring it is basically lying to ourselves and causes us to be out of alignment. It takes courage to hold yourself accountable for your actions.
Even when a relationship ends, there is a lot to look at. The main thing is to look at the part we played and to move away from what they did. It’s important to stay away from fear and to stay with your learning. This may be difficult, but it’s a great tool in helping to learn how to stop listening to the Ego mind.
Every time we choose to stay out of our little girl or Ego mind, we are capable of being with Love. If we are acting out of our little girl or Ego, we can only come from fear, and if we are coming from fear, we block the flow of love. Love can’t come to us or through us, and this is such a shame because all we really want in life is to love and be loved, to be connected to the whole, and to be a part of something greater than oneself.
If I am living in the spiritual realm instead of the physical, it’s easy to give and receive love. If my Ego mind is hard at it, I am full of fear. And if fear is present, love isn’t. So it is my daily practice to always observe where fear is present in me so I can shift it to love.
Utilize your current situation, whether you are in a relationship or not, to look at your limits around love and how you are acting out of your Ego.
by Debra | Sep 12, 2016
What does it look Like to be one with the universe and others?
If we look at our life on this physical plane, with our material things and our physical bodies, it appears that we are all separate. I get up in the morning in my own body and can’t feel other people’s bodies. I wake up in my own home and can’t see into other people’s homes. So everything in the physical, three dimensional world certainly points to me being separate. But if I look at my life through my spiritual lens, where I am spirit, I am one with everyone.
This is our biggest challenge in this physical world because being separate seems so real. So everyday I wake up and sit on my meditation pillow, for me a large beanbag, and I have a serious conversation with my Ego mind and God, i.e. Love. I acknowledge my willingness to see things differently, to see things from my higher self, which allows me to live in a space of love, not fear.
Most days I get the opportunity to witness the strength of my Ego mind and consciously make a decision to act out of my higher self. This is the beauty in self-development, you get many opportunities to practice being Love and training your Ego mind. Every time I act out of this higher place in me, it’s because I realize I am a part of much more than myself. My Ego is very selfish, judgmental, and totally believes in the illusion that this physical world is real and I am separate from everyone.
When I act from my Ego mind and judge and control, or I am needy, it always leaves me feeling crappy. The crappy feeling is because when I act from these places, I am not acting out of the best me I know I can be. And if I am judging someone else, I am truly judging myself as well. If my Ego is being needy, it’s coming from a place of lack instead of a giving space of Love.
The universe wants us to be right with ourselves, to heal that wounded part inside of us. This is why it gives us many opportunities through out the day to practice being in alignment. This is a daily meditation practice, starting in the morning, carrying through the day, paying attention to what you are thinking, and closing with a nightly check-in on how you did.
Remember everything we do to others, we are doing to ourselves. We are one!
“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
― Albert Einstein
by Debra | Aug 22, 2016
Do you shoot Arrows at Your Partner? Learn how not to in a couple’s retreat.
Blaming our partners for how we feel leaves us without power. We give up our power when we say things like, “You did this to me.” When we put the blame on others, we give them control of how we feel. We cannot change how we feel because to feel better, we need them to change. This is a very powerless place to be.
Blaming leaves us in “victimhood” and victimhood leaves us powerless!
It’s the same thing with judging others. Judging, blaming or making someone else wrong is like shooting arrows at someone else. The problem is, the arrow always comes back to us and does harm. Anytime we throw anger, resentment, or judgment onto someone else, we are actually throwing in onto ourselves. Because we are all One, anytime we do harm to others, we do harm to ourselves.
It’s so important to observe our behavior when we are triggered. Our triggers are a personal barometer that shows us exactly where we need healing. If we react from that place of being triggered, we miss the opportunity for growth and healing and we do more damage to others and ourselves.
Our partners or family members are our best teachers because they are the ones who trigger us most, right? So whenever you are around them, observe how you want to react to these triggers. But keep your heart open so you can stay in a place of love/higher self, not your lower self.
One nice thing about our partnerships is that we can get a lot of practice living in our higher self. If you act out of the lower self, just clean up your mess and keep doing your best everyday. Remember, we are human, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead, realize why you acted from the lower self and apologize. It’s the defensive behavior that keeps us in the drama and prevents healing of old wounding.
Things you can do to act out of your higher self instead of being trapped in your lower self:
- If you’re triggered, pause.
- Bring awareness to your behavior.
- No matter how you feel, don’t act it out.
- Do a morning and evening meditation to see things differently.
- Set up alarms on your phone to remind you to stay in the present.
- Clean up your mess when and if you do act out of your lower self.
- Find a spiritual teacher to help you identify your needs for improvement.
by Debra | Aug 15, 2016
Why is Living in the Present Moment so Important?
When we are living in the past, we may feel regretful, guilty or we may feel sad. All of these thoughts and feelings bring us suffering. When we live in the future, it may also cause suffering because we are trying to achieve something or get something we don’t have right now. Either way, suffering is going to happen. We can learn from our past, but dwelling on it keeps us in the past and prevents us from learning a lessons.
The only way to truly feel alive is by being in the present moment. We may still suffer because of the story we are telling our self, but it will be easier to bring our self back into alignment through letting go of the story and just being with the feelings.
In a women’s retreat you will learn how the story from your past creates suffering and how to let go of the story to pave a more harmonious path into the future, no matter what is has to offer. You will also learn the importance of living in the here and now and how being fully present will aid in your happiness. Now being fully present may not be possible, but we can walk through our day in mindful meditation, that will show us where are minds are at, at any given moment.
Most of us live primarily in our heads and completely miss this amazing life we are living, along with the important lessons that go with it. For a moment, think about all the beautiful things you can experience in this world on a daily basis. The beautiful sky, the smell of rain, a hummingbird nesting babies, your cat curled up in a tiny ball, a bunch of flowers on your hike, or your child’s expression. When I go into this space of remembering the now, it blows me away. I get blow away not just because of the beauty but the way I feel in the presence of the moment.
It is only in the present moment that we experience being alive.
Life in all of its beauty and fullness is happening in the moment. When the ego mind is active and our thoughts are somewhere else, it’s impossible to experience the here and now fully. Our actual life isn’t experienced completely unless our entire mind and body are present. When our ego mind is chatting away like a crazy person it prevents us from experiencing our life in all of its glory. Even if the moment isn’t comfortable, it’s better to be with the uncomfortable moment fully.
“Do not ruin today with mourning tomorrow.”
― Catherynne M. Valente
by Debra | Aug 8, 2016
Is a Sedona Bed and Breakfast right for you?
There are so many places to stay in this sacred place called Sedona Arizona. I guess it just depends on what you are looking for exactly. Is it a resort feel? Do you like staying in a room in someone’s home? Is it a Best Western or another hotel chain? Is it a bed and breakfast, where you are communing with other guests and the Innkeeper? There is an alternative! What if it was an Inn, with your own private area with a kitchen, bedroom, private Jacuzzi, 2 outdoor patios in a beautiful, lush garden and parking right next to your room?
Me personally, I love staying in quaint places with a kitchen because I love the privacy and I don’t like eating every meal out. I enjoy getting up in the morning, making a cup of coffee and sitting outside with privacy. I might meditate out in the garden before I start my day and then have breakfast out in the patio. My Inn is a place I would love to stay. It’s in the heart of Sedona, in an enchanting environment, where you can walk Uptown. It is a one bedroom with a bathroom and a separate fully stocked kitchen. It has modern furnishings, with 100% Bamboo sheets, queen-size pillow top mattress, with NEW feather top mattress cover. The unit has a bright, clean, feel. The outside patios allow for total relaxation with private jacuzzi, and breakfast patio and beautiful garden to sit in.
Sedona is an amazing place to visit with so much to do. Maybe you are coming to do some emotional healing, a yoga training, visit sacred sites, or go on a vortex tour. If you are looking for a place to retreat, my space and my retreats, may resonate with you. I do rejuvenating retreats, along with intensives for individuals and couples. The shifts I get to witness in clients have been such a gift for me.
Even if you don’t want a retreat, wouldn’t it be nice to stay in a place that was convenient, cozy and totally nurtured you?
by Debra | Aug 1, 2016
Relationships are amazing for our personal growth? Every couple that finishes my couples retreat, gets to experience the importance of being in relationship with their partner.
A client of mine reads a certain teacher whose name I won’t mention and the client read something about relationships being Ugly! My client is pretty anti relationship. So I pulled up a lot of quotes on this teacher about relationships and I could totally see why my client would view relationships as being ugly. This client took what made him feel comfortable out of the learning, as most of us do.
I think from what I read that what was possibly missed was that if relationships are used to feed the lower self, meaning, you are using them because you’re afraid of being lonely, or you need financial support, etc, they can be ugly. Weird to use the word, “Ugly”, anyway.
I think that if relationships for personal growth are used from our lower self, it’s simply because we don’t know any better. When we start to learn the difference between our lower self/ego mind and higher self that is connect to source, we will stop acting out of that lower place and see the value to having conscious relationships.
Relationships For Personal Growth
Being in relationships is where we have the biggest opportunity to learn about ourselves. Do you notice how your partner or family members trigger you the most? It’s because triggers show us where the unhealed parts are.
“Relationships are hospital for the soul, where stuff comes up where we are unhealed. Relationships are an assignment for maximal growth.”
-Marianne Williamson
If we could look at every person and situation in life that triggers us as an opportunity for personal growth instead of getting angry and blaming the person or situation, the world would become a more conscious place.
The personal growth that I have experienced through all my relationships has been dynamic! If I am looking to evolve in this lifetime, I would ask source to bring it on. Bring on any person or situation that will help me see myself more clearly and learn to live in my higher self, even if it brings me pain and suffering. The pain and suffering will show me where I am in my growth.
by Debra | Jul 25, 2016
So lets look at how our physical body feels connected to our thoughts?
Our mind is a powerful thing. Our beliefs, whether they be old or brand new, will create the life we want. We have to be careful what we think. I am always so amazed that I have this thing inside of me that for the most part I have very little control over. Even though our thoughts may be negative and not in our best interest to be thinking, it’s very hard to stop the thoughts. For example, one of my clients consistently thinks that she can’t travel and sleep. She gets herself in a tailspin every time she has to travel, even if it’s for pleasure. She gets agitated before every vacation because she just knows she isn’t going to sleep well and usually gets ill from lack of sleep. And, most every time she travels, she sleeps terribly and she ends up getting sick.
Our thoughts are powerful. I asked my client to work with her ego mind around traveling and not sleeping. I asked her to tell her ego mind/little girl, every time this thought comes up, that this isn’t the truth and she sleeps soundly when she travels. I asked her to do visualizations with her traveling and getting into an extremely comfortable bed, with a smile on her face and going into a deep, deep sleep. Then waking up and feeling great and going about her day.
I also asked her to be with herself in that moment if for some reason she doesn’t sleep, without buying into the belief that she isn’t going to sleep for the rest of the trip. To not attach this story to the not sleeping just let it be. I love this quote from Pema Chondron about this very thing.
“It’s also helpful to realize that this very body that we have, that’s sitting right here right now…with it’s aches and it’s pleasures…is exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, fully alive.
-Pema Chodron
Knowing that maybe this lack of sleep is a lesson for us to wake up and pay attention to the negative voice inside us can foster a more positive overall life experience. We can start shifting this part of us to look at everything as an opportunity to train our minds to a higher way of living and to connect our bodies to our minds. It is uplifting to know that everything that is happening to us physically and emotionally can be for our higher learning.
by Debra | Jul 18, 2016
If we are feeling lonely, it is because of our separation from Source!
I think we all have days with a hint of loneliness, and sometimes even utter loneliness and separation
A single tree in the fog.
from everyone including ourselves. This idea that we are actually all alone comes from buying into the illusion that we are separate from all the other separate people we see and commune with. These feelings of separateness not only create sadness but also leave us with a feeling of exhaustion. The exhaustion comes from being out there all alone, doing everything on our own.
I love the analogy that Marianne Williamson uses about the wave in the ocean. If one of the waves thought it wasn’t part of the ocean, it would get annihilated, but as part of the ocean it just flows so freely. This is similar with us. When we see ourselves as part of the whole, I believe things flow much easier and our feelings of separation dissipate.
A lot of people, including myself, experience deep feelings of loneliness from time to time. In remembering that we are all one, it brings me back to a knowing that I am a spiritual being having a physical experience. If we are spiritual beings, we are connected to source and everyone and everything, no separation!
This is why it is so important to stay awake during our day to connect to the experiences we are having that show us where we are. When we are buying into old limiting beliefs from our Ego minds/little girl that say we are all alone and not safe, we need to know that this idea isn’t the truth, that it is from our lower self. If we stay away, we are able to use the situation as an opportunity to shift these old beliefs instead of continuing to live through them. This is why my intensive retreats are so powerful, because you learn how to wake up.
This feeling of aloneness is simply from our separation from source, thinking we are here doing this life by ourselves and not co-creating with the universe. When we see that we are all one, we have the ability to flow with the ocean not come up against the waves. This feels completely different.
A morning practice that I do before my meditation is connecting to the universe and all that it encompasses. I let source know that I have a willingness to see that I am connected to everyone and everything and co-creating with the universe. This is very powerful!
“Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. An intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.” ~ Janet Fitch
by Debra | Jul 11, 2016
Is it possible to create a passionate life through a personal retreat? YES!
Most of the people who come to me are suffering with a less than fulfilling life. Their number one complaint is feeling dead inside and their life doesn’t seem to be working for them. They are also not sure how to continue living with these feelings for the rest of their lives.
In my personal retreat, many times clients find their passion because they are getting to know themselves like they have never before. When we are ruled by our Ego mind with thoughts of “I’m not good enough,” or “Something is wrong with me,” or “My illness is preventing me from having a full life,” etc., it’s pretty tough to be empowered and live big.
The first thing we do in my personal or couple’s retreat is to uncover all the old limiting beliefs that the Ego mind has. Then we look at the ways you might be operating from that place. Finally, we start shifting the old patterns and create a new perspective and then a new life. Here is something a client said six months after her Intensive Personal Retreat:
“My life has completely shifted. I am shocked that by not operating out of my little girl, or Ego, that there could be such significant changes. I am showing up for myself in a way I never thought possible, which allows me to be there for others. I don’t even feel like myself, I feel like a whole different person. I feel stronger and more empowered and I feel like I’m seeing people for the first time.”
This client came to me with quite a low sense of self and she was fairly angry with the people in her life. Through learning about her Ego mind and not letting it rule her life, she has been able to make changes for the positive. She works at what she needs to do to not take the action the Ego is telling her to take.
We all want to live a life with passion and love, yet we are handicapped by our own making. It has always amazed me that I have this mind inside of me over which I have so little control. I have to work daily to not let this lower part of me take control over my life. If I’m on autopilot with my life, it has full reign.
We cannot leave our life up to fate and hope for the best. We need to work at shifting this part of ourselves and practice living in our higher selves daily.
by Debra | Jul 4, 2016
Are you a good communicator?
Can you always convey what you mean?
Do you try to listen to your partner without thinking about your response?
Do you fear speaking your truth?
If you have listened to people communicate, you will notice that their communication may sound a bit off. They may think they are expressing themselves clearly, but this is seldom the case.
Going deeper into our needs, we notice that our communication at it’s surface, does not address our real needs. Here is an example of what I mean.
You have planned an evening out with your partner and you both just got home from work. You ask your partner, “Do you need to take a shower?” Your partner says yes, and goes into the bathroom. Your body is feeling a bit uneasy because you haven’t eaten since lunch, your blood levels drop a bit making you feel sick. Do you think your partner knows all this? Not at all. He thinks you just wanted to know if he was going to take a shower. Here is a better way to communicate your needs: “I was wondering how long it is going to take you to get ready because I may need to eat a small snack before we go, so that I don’t get a blood sugar crash and feel crummy. I’m really looking forward to our evening together and it would disappoint me to feel bad.”
This way you communicate your needs correctly. This is something we do all the time. Our partners cannot read our minds to know our concerns and needs unless we express them clearly. To do this we need to know within ourselves what our concerns are.
The key take home points are:
- Think before you speak.
- Think about what your needs are.
- Ask yourself what the clearest way to express them would be.
- Then communicate them as clearly as possible.
Most arguments begin because of clarity in communication. My clients will often complain that their partner says, “I’m not a mind reader.” So, help your partner understand you and show up for you by communicating clearly.
