by Debra | Oct 19, 2015
It’s funny, I was talking to a friend the other day about being alone and she said she loves it. Then I asked her when was she actually really alone, with no husband and no kids. She started looking a bit perplexed and said that she never viewed being alone as being without people around at all. She realized she had never truly been alone.
I have always had some anxiety around being alone. When I started exploring my belief about what alone was, I realized it had been skewed by my childhood. Because of being sexually abused as a child, I view being alone as dark, empty, scary, and full of angst. When I actually asked Alone what it was like to be him, he said, “Calm, quiet, relaxing and peaceful.” Wow! I was shocked because I had misjudged Alone totally.
I started to get to know Alone in a new way, seeing past my old limiting beliefs from my childhood to really seeing what Alone was. We do this often with a lot of views we have. We see them through our little girl’s eyes and she has a skewed view of things. If we continue to see through her eyes and live through her beliefs, we will live our lives with an abundance of fear and judgment.
This is not how I want to live!
I want to live in my higher self with purpose, joy and happiness. If I am in fear it will be impossible for me to live there. When I come from this place of joy and purpose, my life unfolds organically with a flow that feels calmer. This isn’t to say that I’m never triggered. It means that when I am triggered, I know that I am buying into my little girl’s skewed way of thinking. Then I bring in my higher self and set my little girl/ego straight. When I do this right at the onset of the trigger, the heat comes out of the trigger and I support a higher way of living, not my old way of believing through my lower self/little girl.
by Debra | Oct 12, 2015
Spirituality looks different for everyone. Some people will describe their spirituality in reference to their religion or their faith. Some people say it’s just about being a good person and treating people the way you would want to be treated. Others may believe it’s about the law of attraction. There are so many ways we can view our spirituality. It really is all about what is working for you.
For me my spirituality is a combination of my spiritual and psychological practice.
As long as I am doing both, I continue to develop and evolve.
Is your form of spirituality working for you?
My spiritual practice involves me waking up in the morning and connecting to my Higher Power and letting my Higher Power know I am up for whatever the universe is going to bring on for my growth. Sometimes a scary phrase is, “Bring it on, Universe!” If I truly want to keep evolving on my spiritual path, I have to embrace everything that the universe brings me, knowing it’s for my higher learning. Then through out the day I connect with Source to make sure I’m not on autopilot. At the close of my day I ask my Higher Power how I did. Did I take over when I could have let go? Was I unkind because I was in my little girl/ego? Was I asleep all day forgetting my purpose in life? I take an inventory of my day and myself.
In my psychological practice I address every trigger, knowing it is there to help me heal and shift my old beliefs. I take it off of the person or thing that triggers me and totally own it, bringing it back to me. If I am practicing consciousness both spiritually and psychologically, I can stay awake and behave in a way that can heal not only my wounds but all sentient beings.
My passion and purpose in life is to show up for people at a high level. If I am not doing my work, I won’t be able to. So, I do my practice for myself and ultimately the world.
I want to show up for myself, my family, my friends, and everyone that I come in contact with. I also want to shift my old beliefs knowing I am shifting them in the world.
by Debra | Oct 5, 2015
Do you have guilt?
Where does it come from?
What actions do you take when you feel it?
How do you process it?
We have all had guilt at one time or another, whether it’s guilt about our parenting skills, our work performance, our exercise regime, eating habits or just a constant feeling of not being good enough.
It’s what we do after we feel the guilt that really matters. We know we are going to feel it but what do we do with it when it occurs?
The first thing we need to do is track where it comes from. Why are we feeling guilty? If the why is, I’m eating poorly and feeling guilty, okay. Now let’s track it further. Why are you eating poorly? Is it because of stress, for comfort, to medicate feelings, or maybe it’s a lack of knowledge of good eating habits? After we have gathered data around what we are doing that caused the guilt and why, we start to have an understanding about ourselves and bring consciousness to the issue.
After we understand this, we now need to determine if the guilt is about our behavior or is it someone else’s projection. A perfect example of it being someone else’s projection would be someone wanting you to do something and guilting you into it. They would try to manipulate you by saying you were doing something wrong if you didn’t behave the way they wanted you to. Be certain before you change your behavior that it’s because this is behavior you want to change and not because someone is manipulating you.
The exploration of guilt is very important because it allows you to know what to do with the guilt. You will need to look at your part and let the guilt know that you don’t need it to beat you up in order to make a shift. This is where a personal retreat can help!
The next thing to look at is the action your little girl might try to get you to take to make the guilty feelings go away. Sometimes when we are feeling guilty, we will appease others to make the feelings go away. This is where guilt is tricky. In the example of eating better, you would want to obviously change your diet and eat healthier. But in a situation where maybe an overweight family member is telling you it’s your fault she eats poorly, this would be a guilting projection.
Does she gain weight when you eat? Exactly!
Processing the guilt by talking to it as well as the little girl is a good way to get to the bottom of the feelings. Ask your little girl about what she is saying about the situation, and then ask the guilt why it is feeling this way about the situation. Guilty!
This process takes an extreme amount of practice and patience, and it’s critical to utilize someone who can see things from the outside. This is why a personal retreat is so powerful. It helps you see yourself from the outside and untangle from your emotions.
If you would like to step outside of your emotional entanglement and see more clearly, please call me and let’s chat about ways you can become clearer.
by Debra | Sep 28, 2015
Do you have good communication skills?
Do you say what you mean?
Do you listen or are you thinking about what you are going to say next?
Are you afraid to speak your truth?
Have you listened to most people communicate? Their communication may sound a bit cryptic. They may think they are expressing their needs, but is their message clear?
If we go deeper into our needs, we will notice that our surface level communication does not address our real concerns or needs. Let’s look at an example of what I am talking about.
You and your partner have planned an evening out to go to dinner and you both just got home from work. You say to your partner, “Are you going to take a shower?” He says yes, and off he goes into the bathroom. You are feeling a bit anxious because when you don’t eat on a regular schedule, your blood levels drop a bit and you start to feel sick. Do you think your partner knows how you feel? No, he thinks you just wanted to know if he was taking a shower. A better way to communicate your needs would have sounded more like this. “I was wondering how long it is going to take you to get ready because I may need to eat a small snack before we go, so that I don’t get a blood sugar crash and feel crummy. I’m really looking forward to our evening together and it would disappoint me to feel bad.”
Pretty obvious which one communicates your needs better, right? We do this all the time. Our partners and the people in our lives cannot read our minds and understand what our concerns and needs are unless we tell them. Unless we are aware of what our main concerns are with ourself, we won’t be able to convey them to anyone else.
The key to helping your partner understand you is:
- Pause before you speak.
- Think about what your needs are.
- Think about what the clearest way to express them would be.
- Communicate them clearly.
Most arguments start because of a lack of clarity in communication. My clients will often complain that their partner says, “I’m not a mind reader.” So, help your partner understand you and show up for you by communicating clearly.
by Debra | Sep 21, 2015
At one point in my life I started noticing that important relationships were starting to crumble and eventually would come to an end. I thought that I would be completely friendless and totally all alone. What happened was, as I continued to grow and evolve, the people in my life either shifted or went away. The main reason for this was because I was being more authentic and they either chose to be as well or projected their triggers onto me. If they continued to project their triggers, blame me and not own their part, I would either decide not to spend as much time with them, if any at all, or they would organically leave the relationship because they couldn’t stop blaming me.
Either way, the relationship shifts, and that’s a good thing. Even though at the time, it was brutal for me. What made it brutal was what my little girl/thoughts were saying about the situation. This is how it sounded inside my head:
“You did something wrong; you’re not good enough; you’re going to be alone forever; etc.”
If I choose to buy into my little girl’s thoughts/old beliefs, I will stay in relationships that don’t serve me, or quite frankly, the other person either. When you let go of relationships like this, first you start to shift all those old beliefs; second, you open up a space for more conscious relationships to come in.
The transition is tough because the aloneness can feel so sad, empty and full of hurt. When you are feeling these feelings, you just have to be careful what your little girl/thoughts start telling you what to do, like, “Make them understand; just stay in the relationship and see things their way; don’t speak your truth.” OUCH! This is where you have to not take the action of the little girl, know that everything is going to be okay, and just be with the feelings coming up. This is where an individual retreat can help show you how.
The only way to shift old beliefs is to be able to be with the feelings, not to take the action of the little girl and let it go and let it be.
This is easier said than done, but it is completely doable.
by Debra | Sep 14, 2015
Sometimes our feelings such as loneliness, sadness, anger, frustration or hopelessness can be overwhelming. We may feel totally disconnected from the world, like we are separate.
This can sound like:
- She doesn’t understand me.
- He is trying to control me.
- I feel empty inside.
- I feel disconnected from the people in my life.
- No ones loves me.
- I don’t have a voice.
- I’m always doing something wrong.
- Something is wrong with me.
These are some of the thoughts/old beliefs that have been expressed by a few of my clients that are feeling like their emotions come from outside of themselves.
Almost all the world’s problems can be seen as a matter of levels of consciousness.
Lower Consciousness/Inner Child: my Feelings come from what’s happening out there. If I can change the situation or the person out there, I will feel better in here. I need to be ever-vigilant of what’s happening out there. Out there and in here are separate realities.
Higher Consciousness: my feelings come from what’s happening in here. I can’t change anything or anyone out there. I need to be hyper-vigilant of what’s happening in here. Out there is a reflection of in here, not separate, only a mirror.
If we believe that we have to change what’s happening out there to feel better in here, we are living in our lower consciousness or inner child. When we have an understanding that every thing, every situation happens for our higher learning it becomes an opportunity to shift an old belief. Then we look at what is happening inside ourself and make the changes necessary to live in our higher self. The higher self is connected to Source/God/Universe. When we live in this place, we feel connected to Source, others and ourself.
Isn’t this what we want?
I want to feel connected. So, the only way toward this is through looking inside myself, not at what others are doing.
by Debra | Sep 7, 2015
When we look at the question of, what is a healthy relationship, it may differ from person to person although most of us will have the same core list of non-negotiables. So maybe this is where we should start.
What are your non-negotiable items on your list for being in a relationship?
- Must have integrity. That means no lying. What if your partner doesn’t know they are lying? If someone isn’t being honest with themselves, they can’ be honest with you. So, this leads me to the next item.
- Must be doing psychological work. This enables them to know themselves and know when they are lying to themselves and therefore know when they are lying to you.
- Knows there is something bigger them themselves. They need to have their Ego or Inner child under wraps. This requires doing psychological work.
- Must be compassionate, kind, and loving. This also takes doing their psychological work. If they aren’t, they will judge and beat themselves up, and therefore judge and beat you up. Ouch, that’s not loving!
- Must have a spiritual practice. A spiritual practice combined with a psychological practice is key. Meditation, etc. without doing the inner child work will not help them learn how to not react to their triggers.
- Needs to be physically, financially and emotionally responsible. Again, I hate to be redundant but if they are stuck in one of these areas and they not doing their psychological work, then they may always be stuck in that area.
Are you getting the picture? If you’re not doing your psychological work, you won’t be able to be in a healthy relationship. If one of you is and the other isn’t, it will be impossible to have a healthy relationship. Why, you ask? Because the person not doing their work will project, blame, or won’t own their issues or wounding. This is where a spiritual retreat is critical.
A more direct list might look like this:
- Respectful
- Integrity
- Loyal
- Passionate about life
- Caring
- Forgiving
- Dependable
- Generous
- Patient
- Non-Judgmental
- Affectionate
- Authentic
- Expresses feelings
This is a list of what might be non-negotiable. If you look at this list, you will realize that if someone isn’t doing their psychological work, these will be hard to achieve. So, the message here is do your psychological work so you can have a healthy relationship with your partner, your kids, parents, friends and co-workers.
by Debra | Aug 31, 2015
How do we release ourselves and grow from our experiences of suffering rather than become more constricted? Is a personal retreat a way through?
I wrote this blog one year ago and I just love the information. I added a few things and decided to repost it. I hope you enjoy it. In my personal retreat you will learn how to see how your suffering gets in the way of you living a more passionate life.
- Start to view suffering as an opportunity for your inner child to grow up. These experiences of life are an opportunity to become empowered, conscious, and a more compassionate person. We can begin to train our minds to see “difficult” situations as a friend and our greatest teacher. It is an opportunity to shrink the ego and connect to a more authentic you.
- Be with your suffering, don’t run from it through medicating it. We are always running from our feelings through our addictions. Addiction is a strong word, therefore people tend to think they don’t have them. Alcohol, drugs, working, exercise, relationships, arguing, these are all medicators. Try sitting with your feeling instead of running from them, and explore them.
- Contemplate on the likeness and oneness of all people. If we are suffering with something in our lives, expand that thinking to the whole world. Others are also suffering with the same or worse experiences. If you find yourself agitated by being sick, think of all the people who might have a similar condition, or even worse. By practicing this type of thinking, we stay open, relax the mind, and soften the ego.
- Be grateful for what you do have. Take a moment to reflect on the things that bring you comfort or joy. Even if it seems superficial or forced at first, just begin. You could try, “Today, I am grateful I can walk, or speak.” It’s important to practice stepping into gratitude.
- Wish for happiness for others. If you find yourself in a situation that brings you suffering or grief, take a moment and make a wish that others suffering from something similar be alleviated. It not only helps you develop more kindness, but it lessens the intensity of your situation.
- Meditate on impermanence. We tend to think of things as constant and secure until they aren’t. By reflecting on the constancy of impermanence, we relax into a higher state of awareness. Then, when difficult situations do arise, as we know they will, we realize that this is the way of life. Life has its ups and it has its downs. Both are equally great!
- Develop an open heart. If we are willing to be kind to ourselves when we are going through a painful situation, our hearts naturally open to others. Having compassion for ourselves is the first place to start for having an open heart toward others.
Healing is not a magic trick. There are no quick fixes. It requires the willingness to look at ourselves honestly and see what is already there, no matter how painful. All of our experiences in life are opportunities for us to learn and connect more deeply with ourselves.
by Debra | Aug 24, 2015
When we are 20 years old, we think we are invincible. Our body looks good and strong. Even though our emotions are all over the place, we can stuff them so deep that we hardly even know that they are there. It’s a pattern we have followed since childhood.
This response may work for us until we are well into our 30s. And then things change. Around our late 30s, we start having a hard time keeping that stuff down. It affects us in our body, in our mind, but most of all, in our heart and soul.
And then the quest to wholeness begins. This is a journey that is more adventurous than climbing Mount Everest, swimming the English Channel or surfing the pipeline in Hawaii. It is the topper of all toppers; it is life changing. It is a journey that takes us through our physical body and mind into the depths of our deeply deprived soul.
The journey to wholeness involves healing our wounded child to reconnect to our soul and source.
This connection allows our physical healing to begin and brings us back to joy and openness so we can love and laugh as a child once again. This is a tough journey to take alone. This is why an individual retreat might help you.
When we are children and have upsets, we store them in our body and carry them with us into adulthood until we start the healing process. Situations in our adult life will show up to give us the opportunity to heal what we could not cope with as a child. It’s not a coincidence that we recreate situations that make us feel the same way we felt when we were young.
All of our experiences in life are opportunities to learn and connect more deeply with ourselves. The more we connect to ourselves, the more healing we do. When a situation makes us feel angry, sad, sick to our stomach, fearful or off center in any way, our body expresses this discomfort by a physical contraction. This is a signal for us to reconnect with ourselves.
Check it out the next time something happens that makes you feel upset. Notice the discomfort in your body. Breathe into the discomfort and explore the feelings that come up. See if you can recognize the similarities between what is happening now and what you felt in your past. Also notice your behavior around the situation; often it will be that of a child.
So, what do we do with those painful situations? We can do many things. Some people react. They yell, pout and maybe even throw a fit. I’m sure you have seen adults behave in this way, and you probably thought, “That person is acting like a child.” That is exactly what is happening. They have been thrown into their childhood wounds, and they are re-experiencing the chaos, confusion and upset they felt as a child.
Often, this is such an uncomfortable place to be, that some people stuff the emotion. They don’t do or say anything; they just keep it in and let it sit in their bodies where the unexpressed feeling often causes dis-ease.
A healthier choice is to move through our upsets.
Have you ever seen a mother and child when the child is pulling on the mother for attention? First the child just tugs. When the mother ignores the child, the child gets more insistent and vocal. When the mother still does not respond, the child gets louder. Finally, after being ignored completely, the child throws herself on the floor and has a tantrum. This is exactly how the little girl inside of us feels when we don’t address upsets or contractions in our life. At first they don’t feel so bad, but after being ignored for a while, they start to feel huge. Imagine those upset feelings sitting in your body for an extended period of time. OUCH!
So how can we tend to our little girl by moving through our upsets? First, we have to notice when we are upset and realize that it’s okay to have those feelings. They are a normal part of life. Next, we train ourselves to pay attention to any situation that makes us feel off center in any way. Then we acknowledge those feelings and reflect upon them. We might say, “Wow! That really made me mad when she did that to me.” Finally, we go on to ask, “Why did this interaction or situation bother me? How did it make me feel emotionally and physically?”
Healing begins when we give ourselves the room to explore our feelings, to see where they came from. We might ask, “Did I feel this way as a child?” Chances are we did. By taking the time to pay attention, we are telling that little girl inside of us that we hear her and we are here for her. We acknowledge how hard it must have been for her and let her know that she is safe. (Sometimes journaling can help with this step or carrying on an imaginary conversation.)
When we heal our childhood wounds, we become happier and healthier. So let the healing begin!
Our journey through life is meant to be fun and exciting. Every time we connect with the child within us, our little girl dances and sings and unites with us. This allows our soul to remain joyful and open to all of the love that surrounds us.
by Debra | Aug 17, 2015
How do we stay out of the drama of life and take that drama and move into a place of higher conscious learning? First what is drama? Drama is conceived through getting wrapped up in a situation that happens instead of looking at why it is happening. Let’s say someone treats me with disrespect. If I lament about the situation and say things like, “I can’t believe she did that to me, she is such a nut job, what is wrong with her, she must be crazy,” or I keep the thoughts circling in my head, I am stuck in the drama of the situation. If I am stuck in the drama, I miss the higher learning.
The higher learning looks more like looking at what you have to learn from it, your wound around it and your old belief system attached to it. Maybe when you were younger your family didn’t respect your rights and therefore when it happens in your adult life, it triggers you. Then you proceed to do your work around healing that wound and not buying into the old belief system. This opportunity will be completely lost if you stay in the drama of the event.
Tips To Stay Out Of The Drama
1. Recognize your triggers. Anytime you are not at peace, you are triggered.
2. Step out of the trigger and connect it to your wound as a child.
3. Look at your old belief around the wound.
4. Don’t buy into the old belief, know it’s a lie.
5. Create a new belief and sink into it’s truth.
It is going to be impossible to create happiness and peace if you are not aware of your childhood wounds, your old beliefs, and how they make you react to certain situations. They key is getting to know yourself in a much deeper way. Look at how your life is showing up for you and you can get a good picture of how strong your old beliefs are. They only way to shift an old belief is to know where it came from and not to buy into it. In my Retreats you will get to know yourself and your wounding so you can stay out of the drama of the situation and come from a place of love.
by Debra | Aug 10, 2015
In each situation where we are triggered we have the opportunity to lean into love or fear. In the moment of the trigger we usually react without thinking about what is going on inside of us. It is such an automatic reaction from our lower self/inner child that stems from a place of fear. When we are in fear, we could possibly react negatively and the outcome of our reaction is normally not positive.
Love comes from our higher self. Love is connected to the universe, God, source, whatever your higher power is. Love is trusting that everything is perfect exactly the way it is, and every experience is for our greater good and learning.
How do we lean into love instead of fear through our inner guidance?
The first thing we have to do is, when we are triggered, we have to pause and stop ourself dead in our tracks. If we get triggered and there is no pause, we will react from our scared little girl that is coming from a place of fear. So, the second you feel a contraction in your body, your little girl will start creating a story. If you get highjacked by your little girl, you’re in FEAR! It’s the PAUSE that is going to save you.
In the pause, you’re going to take a few deep breathes and from that higher place of being, tell your scared little girl, she is safe and you’re not buying into the story. In the moment it’s important not to react from that fearful place. That’s where the drama happens and we create a bit of a mess.
After you’re out of the situation, you need to see what feelings your little girl was experiencing around the trigger. It may start with anger or frustration. If you go deeper into the feelings, it’s usually sadness, fear, or disappointment. If you can get to the deeper feelings, this is where the compassion is. If we can feel compassion for our little girl, we will be able to transfer that compassion to the person that triggered us. We will be able to see the mirror.
It is in the compassion for ourself and others that we can sink into the LOVE!
This process takes practice; it won’t come organically at first. The more you practice, the better you get and the easier it will be to move straight into a place of love from fear.
I practice all the time because I want to show up for others and myself through my heart. It feels better for me and it feels better for others when I come from a place of love.
by Debra | Aug 3, 2015
What I have come to see through my spiritual retreats and mentoring is that something starts to shift in women around 40 years old. They start feeling unsettled with the way their life is and feel a deep need to explore themselves in a more authentic way. They feel stuck and realize that their life doesn’t seem to be working for them living the same way they have been.
Women want deeper meaning and purpose. They are no longer okay with the current job they have, maybe the relationship they are in feels disconnected, and their life in general feels lifeless.
Through my spiritual retreats, women find their way back to themselves and find the spiritual renewal they were looking for. When you get to know yourself in a deeper more authentic way, it always leads you back to yourself. When you are close to yourself you can find the purpose in your life that gives you the passion.
Are you just going through your daily life, existing? Are you getting up in the morning on autopilot? Your feet hit the ground, drag you to the coffeemaker, carry you to the shower, you go to work in a coma, come home and fix dinner, connect with the kids, maybe, watch a little TV and go to bed, and, Oh My God, get up the next day and do it again.
Maybe you’re the fortunate few that have moments throughout your day where you wake up and feel alive. These moments usually happen when you’re with your family. This could be because the drama of the family is so intense that it’s impossible to sleep through it or it’s your reprieve. Either way, you’re not truly living a life of purpose and passion.
Spiritual renewal through a women’s retreat can restart your engine and put you on a path to living a more alive life. Your life can be lived with excitement, passion and fun! Going deeper into what makes you tick and why you behave the way you do, helps you connect to yourself and sink into the joy that life has to offer.
It is a practice to live in your heart daily. For most of us it doesn’t come naturally.
We have to learn how to connect with those places in us that are hidden away, tucked in tight, and ashamed to be seen, so that we can live authentically and be the real us. This is how we will live a life of passion and purpose.
It’s funny, I was talking to a friend the other day about being alone and she said she loves it. Then I asked her when was she actually really alone, with no husband and no kids. She started looking a bit perplexed and said that she never viewed being alone as being without people around at all. She realized she had never truly been alone.
