by Debra | Apr 10, 2017
Do you have a daily practice or ceremony to start and end your day?
When we have a daily practice or ceremony it brings us into our awakened consciousness. Instead of just waking up in the morning and running for your coffee, try first stretching and smiling before you get out of bed. Then maybe brush her teeth and sit for a moment and contemplate on everything in your life that you are grateful for.
When we start the morning with our practice it invites us to pay closer attention to our life and embrace all that is good. I usually wake up in the morning brush my teeth, make my celery juice, and then sit in my practice. Sometimes my practice is just being grateful for all the abundance in my life around money, health and the love flowing through me and to me. Other times I might do transcendental meditation, whether that be music or a primordial sound.
I always start my day stating what I am grateful for and feeling it in my body. After doing this I move into my meditation. This helps me start my day awake. Then throughout the day, I check in with myself to see what my ego mind is saying to me. This is my daily Practice.
My practice helps me stay in tuned to how special life is and how being present helps me stay connected with myself and others. Otherwise I just run through my day unconsciously, totally asleep.
You can view your morning meditation as a practice, ceremony or a ritual. Ceremony and rituals have been around for a long time to make an event have significance. So if you start your morning in ceremony or practice, you will bring significance into your daily life.
“If our lives have meaning and purpose we have a better chance of staying in alignment”
Sometimes we think it has to be a wedding, a baptism, a rite of passage to have a ceremony. What if a simple practice of gratitude and meditation is as meaningful? These practices can be as meaningful if we make it. So something as simple as waking up and smiling, stating what we are grateful for and doing a simple meditation can help us stay awake to what is very meaningful.
by Debra | Apr 3, 2017
What is the point of complaining? Does it fix things?
Why do you think we complain or obsessively talk about an issue? I hear a lot of people say they are processing through it, getting it out of their system. On the contrary, agonizing over something doesn’t get it out of your body it actually makes it grow bigger. I think if we are trying to figure things out in our minds to process the issue, this could lead to going over it and then immediately getting down to business. The problem with our ego mind is that it wants to go over it over and over and over it and over it until you and everyone else are sick.
If you notice that you are lamenting over a problem a lot, stop and think about it. Pull the problem inside and see what feelings are coming up for you. Take the issue from the outside and bring it in. Are you processing through it or just complaining about it? Processing through an issue looks more like, realizing you are triggered and immediately connecting the trigger to an old belief and thanking your ego for sharing and telling it that you’re not buying into it.
If we let our ego minds go on and on about an issue, we expand that part of ourselves. I’m sure you are aware that the fire you feed gets bigger and the one you don’t dies out. Well, if you are feeding your ego mind it will grow and your higher self will die down.
When we first start doing this work our ego is huge. Then, as we practice bringing in the higher self and not buying into the ego our ego begins to dies down. So complaining about a situation that triggers you simply grows the ego. Our egos have enough power without us feeding it.
The only way to strengthen the higher part of us, the part of us that is love not fear, is to lean into the higher self not the ego mind. This is what I teach in my Individual Retreats. If our ego minds have power over us we will be reacting through our triggered fearful state and not healing the wounded part of us that will allow us to live in our loving higher self. The ego is full of fear and this is why we react when we are living through this part of our self. When we strengthen the higher self we are able to respond from a loving more calm space. Our egos cause us to suffer because of the fear that it has. The higher self just knows that everything is perfect for your higher learning.
by Debra | Mar 27, 2017
Handling conflict in your life can be tricky. How do you do it?
When conflict arises and you may possibly feel the heat of emotions, do you act out or bring your emotions in? When that initial heat of a trigger happens, if we can bring our minds to compassion and love instead of anger, it immediately diffuses the trigger. When we go to love and compassion, we bring our being into a calm place and can respond to someone instead of reacting through the heat of anger.
Whenever there is a disagreement it is always better to approach it with an open heart. It is important to have respect for one another and put aside your judgments and blame. It’s important to always ask yourself why am I feeling triggered in this moment? Conflict is unavoidable and it’s a great way to heal unresolved trauma and shift old beliefs. Instead of being frustrated when conflict comes into our lives, we could get excited because we know there is higher learning right around the corner.
If we look at the conflict as a way to get the person to see things our way, we may be creating a bigger disagreement and feeding the anger around the conflict. If you realize this isn’t something you have to fix and instead go inside to see where your feelings come from and work on shifting your old limiting beliefs around it, this is where you will find peace. Not only will you find peace but you will be creating peace within the situation.
It’s important to be examining your lower self/ego and what it is saying and telling you. It takes practice to slow down and be able to catch your ego that loves conflicts and actually looks for ways to cause conflict. If conflict comes to you, there is a reason. The reason is you need healing in the area it is reflecting. Put your attention there, not on the conflict or situation. To come from a place of love, we have to be able to shift out of our ego minds that are full of fear. If you can stay out of your fear and move into love, you will be better prepared to bring the conflict to a loving space.
In my mentoring sessions, clients are amazed at how easy it is to get highjacked by their ego’s and allow a situation to spin out of control. In my personal retreats you will learn how to manage your ego and live in your higher self.
by Debra | Mar 20, 2017
Learn how to slow down in a personal retreat. What’s your rush?
My first idea for this article was regarding dating, but what I realized as I began to write that it is also about life. Why are we in such a hurry to get things done and move on to the next thing? And why is it that when we meet someone we are in a hurry to make it something solid; like a commitment? What are we worried about?
I talk about fight or flight with my clients because they feel anxiousness in their bodies too often. When I ask them about why they have this nervousness inside of them, they say it is usually because they are having fear. Fear about not being where they think they should be or not getting things done that they think they should be getting done. Or maybe it’s having expectations in their life and things not going as planned.
Even thinking we should be more spiritual and always seeking with a certain amount of frenetic energy can make us anxious. I notice there are so many areas in our life that make us nervous.
Living in anxiety is no way to live!
If we check in with ourselves throughout the day asking where we are, sort of taking our temperature, we will be able to bring ourselves back into balance in the moment. Bring yourself into how your body is feeling and if it is frenetic, connect shortly into why and then breathe back into balance.
Occasionally I will wake up in the middle of the night with my body racing and feeling anxiety. It is always so amazing to me how I can breathe and tell my ego mind that I am safe, that I am a spiritual being, having a physical experience and within seconds the flight or fight reaction diminishes. If I check in with myself throughout the day, I may be able to catch these out of control feelings and bring myself back into balance before I spin out.
It is not being okay with where we are and always wanting to be somewhere else, that brings on an uneasy feeling within us. Take relationships for example; if you are not happy with being alone, then when you meet someone you will probably be more apt to try and force it to be something more quickly, instead of relaxing and letting things flow.
It really comes down to knowing yourself and checking in with yourself several times during the day to see what your ego mind is saying to you that is making you so anxious. Slow down in your day to notice how you are feeling and allowing your self to just be with the feelings in order to transforms them.
by Debra | Mar 13, 2017
Learn how to speak your truth in a personal retreat.
In this arena of consciousness, I hear some people say they didn’t say something to someone because they didn’t want to hurt their feelings. If we go deeper into this, we might realize that we didn’t speak our truth because of the reaction we might get from the person we are speaking our truth to. Yes of course we don’t want to hurt any ones feelings maliciously and I don’t think that would be most people’s intentions. However there are a few people with very vindictive egos who might want to retaliate.
If you are a fairly conscious being and your intention is not to hurt someone, is withholding your truth to protect them, really for their own good? First of all, you are never responsible for anyone’s hurt feelings even if you are being malicious. If they are feeling upset by something you say, they should go inside themselves and look at what their storyline is and what old belief is active at that moment.
If you feel like you are protecting them from getting hurt, maybe you are robbing them of a learning to heal that old wound. This is how we heal! We heal by getting triggered and if someone is withholding to save us; are they really saving us?
I was having a conversation with someone and they said, “They want to be a blessing in everyone’s life.” I get it, so do I, but not speaking my truth to them isn’t being a blessing in their life, it’s robbing them of an opportunity to grow. It may also be buying into my old belief of being responsible for others or that I can’t speak my truth. I believe if I do what’s for my higher learning it will always be best for the other party. It might not feel like it to them, because they get triggered, but ultimately they have a choice to look at themselves, do their healing or blame and be a victim.
We don’t ever want to get in the way and become an obstacle for some ones healing and our own. Speak you truth, if this triggers them, that’s great because they have an opportunity to go deep inside and really look at what their ego mind is saying. When we say we want to be a blessing in people’s life, this is how we do it. We are authentic and speak our truth and if they get triggered, it’s their responsibility to go inside and heal.
Protecting someone from getting hurt isn’t really protecting, is it? Maybe it’s you that needs the healing to know that how they react, isn’t about you at all!
by Debra | Mar 6, 2017
How to shift your perspective in life in a personal or couples retreat to lead a more joyous life.
Have you noticed that certain people move through their life with joy and ease, while others seem to be always wrapped up in the drama of what life can be? People that are more joyous and content with their life don’t necessarily have more abundance, love, or success. They just have the ability to be grateful for what they do have and they do not dwell on what they don’t have.
Our realities are very individual and come from completely different experiences from our childhood. Suffering and despair come from what’s going on inside of us not what’s going on outside of us. So if we are moving through our day without joy or being content, it is because we are buying into a story from our childhood. If we have the ability to get out of our story and look in the present moment and turn our attention to what is good, this changes our reality in a moment.
If you look at the world that we are living in, it appears to be unpredictable and filled with highs and lows. This is life! If we expect life to only be highs and no lows, we will find ourselves suffering most of the time. If we can somehow just realize that both grand moments and moments of desperation are impermanent we will be able to move through life with less suffering.
It’s important to observe life with a conscious eye, realizing that the struggles you are having in this moment are for your higher learning to help you see just how impermanent everything truly is.
It is also important to not view things as good and bad so you can appreciate the amazing insights showing up for you in every moment in your life. When we choose to love life just as life is with all of its ups and downs, the hardships will not take away our joy. So no matter what is going on in your life you can be joyous! And when you are joyous this is what you will put out into the world. So pay attention to how you are viewing each situation and see how you might be able to see it through a different lens.
by Debra | Feb 27, 2017
Find out why things happen in your life through a personal retreat.
It is easy for us to become overwhelmed with the complexity and challenges of our life. When things are not going our way and seem to be reeling out of control, we may become anxious, angry, or shut down. Looking at just the situation and not looking at why the situation is being presented to us for our higher learning, could cause a disruption in our being.
Is it possible to stay in alignment, to stay calm and be at peace through challenging situations? I believe we can if we shift our awareness to why this might be happening for our growth and not get caught up in the drama of the situation.
I was talking with a client the other day and she was feeling very overwhelmed with her son being caught up in his drama as well as her situation of her parents having to go into a nursing home. She was totally having a meltdown and bothered by the fact that her son couldn’t step out of his drama and behave differently, while she was having to deal with her parents.
I explained to her that the way she was reacting to her situation was similar to the way her son was acting around his situation, they both were full of drama. Her son had said that he didn’t feel like she was available to him because of her having to deal with her parents. We talked about that putting her parents into a nursing home was just part of life.
The reason she was getting triggered about this situation was because her ego was in story about how she was going to be all alone. If she could see that the situation with both her parents and her son was an opportunity to realize that life is full of ups and downs, she would not have to be up and down in her emotions to deal with it. For a fact, when she is emotionally up and down it’s harder to deal with the issues at hand. The opportunity that she had was to learn that her ego was talking to her again about her aloneness and for her not to listen to that voice so that she could show up for her son and her parents in a more present way.
If we keep our eyes open to the learning that life has to offer, we will respond to the situations in a much more present and calm way. The universe wants to co-create with us for our higher learning therefore will put situations in our path to help us grow. When we put our attention on the situation instead of the learning, we miss huge opportunities for growth.
by Debra | Feb 20, 2017
The reason we go into partnership is to go deeper into our self. Have you noticed how just being with your significant other brings up all your wounds? It is really important to choose your partner consciously because an unconscious relationship could possibly do more harm than good.
Something that I have learned through my relationships is that I don’t want to be in partnership with someone not doing their psypho-spiritual work and projecting their unhealed wounding on me. If someone doesn’t understand that triggers come from their unhealed wounded self, they will blame their partner for making them feel badly.
If we rush into relationships out of an unhealed part in us, we may find ourselves in a relationship that is very stagnant in one area and repetitive in another. It will be stagnant because you will not be able to create the intimacy you may desire and repetitive because you will be arguing about the same drama constantly.
If both parties are actively engaged in looking at themselves honestly and understand that they are in relationship for mutual healing, there will be no arguing and no drama, just healing and deep intimacy.
Whenever we meet anyone it is an opportunity for mutual healing. This doesn’t necessarily mean that it has long term potential. Figure out what is the most important thing in a relationship for you. Is it common views, compatibility, attraction, money, or spirituality? If you are in a relationship with someone who gets his juice from making a lot of money and he doesn’t have a spiritual practice, will that be okay for you?
For me, it has become extremely important to be in partnership with someone learning and growing from their physical life experiences. These experiences are what help us heal and evolve. It wouldn’t work for me to have a partner that had no interest in their healing or growth.
If it isn’t your desire to be in a spiritual relationship like this, that is okay. Just know what you are looking for in a partner and don’t compromise thinking you will be able to change him into someone that will want to go deeper. Being clear about what we want and not letting our own wounds settle into something that isn’t going to work, will eventually fall apart anyway.
by Debra | Feb 6, 2017
I know that often when setting boundaries I hear my Ego mind telling me what a terrible mother I am, how selfish I am and to just be compassionate and caring like the Buddha. It’s interesting how manipulative my Ego mind can be by bringing in the Buddha that way. Whenever I try to take care of myself and have boundaries, I hear this Ego voice loud and clear.
Even though this voice comes in and tries to persuade me it doesn’t mean I have to listen, agree and then do what it says. This is the tough part because once this voice speaks, the quilt and shame come in heavily.
Lets look at what the voice is saying. “If you don’t do what others want, you are a bad person and you are not being compassionate.” Something that is taught in Buddhism is to have compassion. This isn’t just compassion for others, it’s also compassion for yourself. I believe if you cannot have compassion for yourself, when you act for others in thinking you are being compassionate, it is more like an obligation.
When we act out of obligation under the guise of compassion, anger and resentment will often follow. If we are helping someone through our anger and resentment, the energy it carries is not caring at all. If a situation can’t be a win-win, it will be a lose-lose. Meaning, if I do for someone out of obligation, it’s a loss for me. It may look like a win for them, but because it’s a loss for me, it can’t really be a win for them. The only way it can truly be a win for them is if I’m not losing as well.
If I’m being compassionate to them and not myself, this creates a win-lose, which is really a lose-lose. If I give up a part of myself to make things good for another, I will be listening to my Ego voice, in of itself is a loss because I never want to strengthen this part of myself. It goes against the universal law, which is win-win.
It is particularly difficult for mothers having boundaries with their grown up kids because we are used to sacrificing ourselves for our children and we believe this is what we should be doing.
I love what Kahlil Gibran says about the relationship between parents and children.
On Children
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-Kahlil Gibran
If you have a tough time having compassion for your self and setting boundaries, more spiritual work on mastering your ego mind is necessary. Through my individual retreats and mentoring you can learn how to care for yourself in a loving way.
by Debra | Jan 29, 2017
It might be easier to talk about what doesn’t cause fear in us, right? The biggest cause of fear is that we think we are separate from each other and source. I hear more than I care to admit from clients, friends and in myself at times, that we feel alone, isolated and separated.
For me when I think of the physical world as real, that’s when things get scary. What would be the point? If getting a better job, bigger house, the perfect boyfriend, etc. was the end all, no thank you! There just has to be more.
So what is the “More”?
The “More” for me is my evolution, for me to grow and be the best version of myself. How do I do that? First, I have to pay attention to my thoughts and actions. If my ego mind is telling me that I am separate, I have to thank it for sharing and say “I’m not buying into that old belief.” And then not take the suggested action, like trying to get away from my feelings of loneliness by medicating.
Another thing we do that cause fear is have expectations. We think things need to work out a certain way for us to be happy and content. When things don’t work out as planned, we are filled with fear and we suffer. Think about all the different expectations you have in your life, actually write down all the things in your life that you want to show up differently. Also write down how you feel when they don’t show up that way.
When we go out in the world and do things to get a certain result and things don’t work out the way we thought, we get very disappointed and fearful. It we are co-creating with the universe maybe our vision isn’t in our best interest and the universe has another plan. If we aren’t aware of our ego’s voice, it will be hard to be guided by the universe. We won’t be able to hear it because the ego is yakking to loudly.
Self-exploration is the only way we can face fear front and center. Look at it, figure out what it is saying and then don’t listen to it, no matter what. Ask Source what it has planned for us, what’s in our higher good. Deciphering our inner voices can be tricky and it usually takes an outside mentor to help you see things clearly. An individual retreat can give you all the tools you need to get the clarity you need to see your higher self and hear Source. When we are able to hear Source we are able to live in a place of Love, not fear and flow with ease and grace.
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
― John Lennon
by Debra | Jan 23, 2017
Why is touch is so important?
Touch signals safety and trust and it actually soothes us mentally and physically. If you are in a stressful situation and the person consoling you gently touches you, your body and mental mind will naturally think things are going to be okay.
Touch is so important in so many ways. Here are just a few of the benefits of touch.
- Stronger Immune System- Physical touch decreases disease. Research conducted at Northern Carolina, determined that women who receive more hugs from their partners had lower heart rates and blood pressure. The research also showed that,“hugs strengthened the immune system and calmed the nervous system.”
- Less Aggression- American developmental psychologist, James W. Prescott, claimed that the origins of violence in society were related to the lack of mother-child bonding. The absence of physical touch, bonding and healthy attachment between adult and child may result in lifelong emotional disturbances. In two different studies, The Touch Research Institute found that French children received more touch from parents and their peers and as a result, were less aggressive than their American counterparts.
- Greater Trust- touch activates the brain’s orbitofrontal cortex linked which leads to feelings of compassion, connection and a stronger bond between people. A simple touch can release oxytocin, the love hormone and bring up an emotional response. With a slight touch during a highly aggravated state, we tend to naturally feel at ease and more trusting of the outcome.
- Overall well being- We as humans require touch to thrive. A wave of studies has shown that there are incredible emotional and physical health benefits that come with touch. In the one of the experiments, touch lessened pain, improved pulmonary function, increased growth in infants, lowered blood glucose and improved immune function.
- Infant development- The more infants are touched, the faster they gain weight, and have better mental and motor skills. While touching them on the back of the legs calms babies, a gentle touch on the face, belly and feet excites them. When babies are held, their immune system strengthens.
We are social beings and all want to feel a sense of connection. While most of our connection comes from the conversations we have with one another, touch is a very important factor when bonding with others. When things in life get hectic and touch is minimal between loved ones, we tend to feel less connected.
I have had more than a few conversations with my other single friends and we all agree that the part we miss most about being in relationship is the touch. Some of us may go months without being touched. This is where getting regular massages and petting our animals can really help.
When I was in my thirties, it was more acceptable for my friends to be affectionate with me. The older I got, the less women around me express affection, I could tell that simple touch made women feel a bit uncomfortable. When it comes to men, if I am affectionate with them, they sometimes think that I’m coming on to them. When you have boundaries established with men who are friends, then it is easier for both parties to be affectionate.
I invite you to explore more touch. Be affectionate with people and your pets. You can also be affectionate with yourself. Try to explore different textures and touch sensations, such as letting cool sand run through your fingers or taking a warm relaxing bath. Don’t starve yourself from touch, it is so important to our physical and mental health. Give a hug to someone who needs it today, and you just might find that you needed it too. Explore your own feelings around being or not being touched from an individual retreat or mentoring.
by Debra | Jan 9, 2017
The most important relationship in your life is you. Learn about it in an Individual Retreat.
The most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves. We are the only ones that witnesses our life every step of the way. The relationship we have with ourselves is the most intimate relationship we will ever have. There is not going to be anyone else that will know you as well as you know yourself. So why is it so hard to develop a close relationship with ourselves?
We tend to look outside for happiness. We were trained as children to search for happiness in others and in things. Look how our culture puts romantic relationships before the relationship with self.
Until we really get to know ourselves and love ourselves we can’t possibly create a romantic relationship that aligns with our higher purpose. Until we learn how to be alone and love ourselves as we are, it will be difficult for us to bring in a partner that will support our dreams and desires. Getting to know yourself is the focus of the individual retreats I lead.
In order to develop a relationship with ourselves, we need to spend a fair amount of time alone.
Why is being alone so difficult for some?
I used to have anxiety around being alone. I started looking at where that came from and why it was so difficult for me. It definitely came from my childhood.. When I started looking at my feelings and anxiety around this aloneness, it brought me closer to myself. My discomforts lead me to knowing myself and loving myself. Now, I can say that I actually enjoy the time I spend alone. Every time I do, I get to know myself better and develop a deeper love for who I am.
If we are not connected to ourselves it will be hard for us to bring in a primary partnership that is in alignment with who we are. If we do not know who we are, how will we know someone else? So it is only through self-exploration and self-love that we can be in a partnership that is truly nourishing and loving.
